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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25262809">The Joker Gets Interviewed By Anderson Cooper</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmartCoffee/pseuds/SmartCoffee'>SmartCoffee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DC Animated Universe (Timmverse), DC Extended Universe, DCU (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arson, Bank Robbery, Crimes &amp; Criminals, F/M, Psychology, Psychopathology &amp; Sociopathy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:00:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>926</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25262809</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmartCoffee/pseuds/SmartCoffee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine a world in which Gotham City was real and Anderson Cooper could interview Joker about crime there. Could Anderson Cooper get Joker to open up?<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Joker Gets Interviewed By Anderson Cooper</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The video shows The Joker is sitting in a darkened warehouse. His green curls are greasy with pomade. Two burly clowns are sitting on either side of him. Anderson Cooper is fresh from hair and makeup. He wears a gray business suit. The two faces appear on viewer’s screens in square panels.</p><p>AC: Joker, thanks for being here with us.</p><p>J: Yeah. Let’s go.</p><p>AC: Right. So you say that Batman is a maniac who terrorizes Gotham City with his aggression?</p><p>J: Absolutely. He dresses like a giant bat. I mean, I don’t care what people do to get their jollies, so I’d be fine if he did that in his bedroom. But then he goes on the street and chokes people who so much as look at him funny.</p><p>AC: I would hate for anyone to hurt innocent people going about their business. But Batman has helped the police catch murderers and crime lords. He seems to work closely with the police. If he is helping law enforcement, isn’t he benefitting Gotham?</p><p>J: You don’t know Gotham police. They’re corrupt!</p><p>AC: Right. Police corruption is pretty widespread throughout this country, unfortunately. But if the police are corrupt, isn’t that all the more reason for there to be people like Batman who solve crimes outside the police departments?</p><p>J: I was never much for law and order. I’m a guy that likes fun. A little bit of danger. Maybe even a little chaos.</p><p>AC: Would that chaos involve stealing thousands of dollars from the mob and then setting the money on fire?</p><p>J: Ha. I’ve never heard of that. But whoever did that is freakin’ genius.</p><p>AC: You think so? It just sounds childish to me. Can you explain why that’s so appealing to you?</p><p>J: Well see, the first thing is, you can’t analyze it too much. You just have to sit back and imagine stealing a crapload of cash from guys with machine guns, then taking a match to the thing. It’s just glorious. But if you are going to think about it, think about some jerk with a face like a bowling ball screaming, “Where’s my money?” and you being like, “I smoked it!”</p><p>AC: It seems like you’re often on the run, escaping from one thing or another - escaping from other criminals, from the police, from Batman. Is there something deeper that you’re running from?</p><p>J: Oh, Anderson, that’s beneath you. Don’t make this a Mommy-Didn’t-Love-Me cryfest. </p><p>AC: Right. You’re skeptical of psychology, I take it?</p><p>J: Actually, I’m shacking up with a psychologist. I’m a con man so I use psychology. I have no problem with psychology that gets you paid. I just don’t see the point in going back and trying to rearrange the furniture in your childhood. The past is gone. You should know that better than almost anybody.</p><p>AC: Right. So when you rob banks  - -</p><p>J: I mean it. I know that you suffered terribly as a young man. It must have done things to you.</p><p>AC: Carlo, cut his mike, stop rolling.</p><p>Carlo: But Anderson, are you sure?</p><p>AC: Do it, Carlo. Joker, what the hell is wrong with you?</p><p>J: Me? What did I do?</p><p>AC: I don’t talk about my dad or my brother on air. It’s public and if people want to look it up, then they can. But it’s not something that’s casual like the color suit I’m wearing or whether I went for a run today. </p><p>J: I didn’t mention your dad or your brother. </p><p>AC: You said you knew I suffered. I don’t care. I’m still going to try to salvage this interview. Carlo, start it up on my sign.</p><p>AC: You’re a convicted bank robber. There’s a kind of glamour in that - law-abiding people fantasize about robbing a bank. What was it like for you?</p><p>J: Hard. It takes lots of work. But the day of the robbery, it’s an amazing thrill. It’s this huge high, a rush of adrenaline. It’s better than sex. Better than cocaine. Robbing a bank might be the best feeling on Earth.</p><p>AC: But you were sentenced to, let’s see, 45 years in federal prison for robbing one bank. That’s a pretty heavy price to pay for a high, don’t you think?</p><p>J: I’d never serve 45 years.</p><p>AC: What do you mean? Do you mean you might get parole?<br/>
J: Not even that. If you’re smart enough to rob a bank, you’re smart enough to escape from prison. And I’m not talking about air shafts. You can sneak out by manipulating a conjugal visit or a lawyer visit. The guards are underpaid and easy to bribe. You can even. . .</p><p>AC: Hey, hey. I get it. Prison is awful. We’d all want to escape. But let’s say, all your great plans for escaping fall through, wouldn’t you be stuck there for 45 years thinking about how you stole from teachers, firemen, pastors, servers, and so on. How you inflicted misery. . .</p><p>J: I probably wouldn’t feel so bad because I know banks have to be insured and the insurance companies will be fine as long as banks aren’t being robbed every day. But if I did feel bad, I’d just shoot myself. </p><p>AC: CUT! Carlo, I’m sorry, please cut.</p><p>J: Chill out, Anderson. This is showbiz.</p><p>AC: It’s fine. We just won’t ever air this. You compared bank robbery to cocaine and sex, making it sound like an irresistible thrill. You talked about your tips for escaping prison. Our sponsors would pull their ads for sure.</p>
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